Found this here
Question:
How can I deal with a passive aggressive mother in law? So far I haven’t stood up to her, but I am so close. She has overstepped her boundaries in so many ways. My husband has confronted her about her behavior but she continues to make snide comments every time we see her or by email, and when she does it , it is always with a smile. She has not only done this to me, but to my parents as well. I know she has never approved of the both of us marrying so soon after 9 months (We are over age 35yrs old and adults mind u).
My husband and I now have a one yr old together and my husband has a 6yr old from his previous relationship who visits from time to time. My mother in law shows favouritism towards the 6 yr old every time she comes to see us. Actually, she shows favouritism towards her son as well. He can do no wrong nor his other daughter. Recently she has even told my husband that the 6yr old is her favorite. My husband and I are moving to California, and when she asked about it, she didn’t show any support nor acknowledged that she is happy for us. We have had a horrible year financially, lost two homes, my job, my husband was injured at work. She knows all of it and instead she said nothing to support our decision to move. She is a strange woman but its her snide comments that gets me and her judgment. I want to set her straight and want her to know, she is out of line with her comments. My husband has two other brothers who’s wives have had problems with her as well. It has really affected our relationship at times. I’ve gotten to the point I can’t stand her and I hate to say that. I have been married before and had had a wonderful mother in law with no issues. But my current mother in law is a strange bird and makes my skin crawl when she is around. I have never met anyone like her. Usually my husband supports me , but recently he said, that I have to let go of my EGO. This floored me and now I’m more upset than ever. I know she will always be my husband’s mother, but how can I be supported by my husband and have her know he and I are a family now?
Answer:
I’m not sure about this being your ego problem, but I think it’s safe to say that you are not going to find peace in this matter if that depends on your mother-in–law changing to fit your expectations. She is who she is, and that is not likely to change. Moreover, you have no control over her anyway. What you do have a choice over is how you respond to her behavior. It’s up to you to find a way to maintain a sense of balance and inner harmony regardless of what she says or does.
As you and your husband are facing the challenges of creating a family while you are dealing with financial hardships, it’s natural enough to look for support from family, but if it isn’t given, then don’t worry about it and move ahead. The same applies to your mother-in-law’s snide comments and her favoritism to the 6 year-old. These are her limitations, and it does you no good to make yourself miserable over her social deficiencies.
Get on the same page with your husband and together explain to her in as nice a way as possible that her destructive and divisive action is felt and noticed for what it is. And that as long as she continues with it and pretends otherwise, then she should understand that as a mother you will naturally need to protect your family from this as much as possible. Tell her you are not asking her to change, she can do and say what she wants, but that your responsibilities are to your family and if she insists on undermining your relationships, then the consequences are that her influence will have to be minimized.
At the same time you are explaining in these simple terms where things stand, also give her a supportive option. Let her know what kind of a positive influence you would like her to have in your family. Offer her a vision of what it would look like for her to be a welcome family member. Finally, ask her to consider if this kind of a relationship with all of you wouldn’t actually be more enjoyable and rewarding for her personally than her present relationship as well. If she is receptive to finding an honest way forward with all of this, then ask her how you and your husband can help her in getting there.
Love,
Deepak
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“vile and hateful”
When the last big meltdown happened two months ago, I contacted my husband’s ex. She replied and told me the situation with his family will never change.
You know those red flags you look out for when first dating? G told me he stopped working on his relationship with his ex after an intense altercation she’d had with his mother. His exact words were, “my ex said ‘vile and hateful’ things to me, but when she said these things about my mother, I stopped participating in the marriage.” After four long years of no longer loving her because she’d been “vile and hateful” to his mother, she finally left him. He recently told me he had been wrong for allowing his mother to treat his ex wife so badly. He had also told me his sister would “speak her mind” and tell B off as well. Looking back at those early conversations, I am horrified. He said B had been “vile and hateful”, his sister called my well-measured emails “vile and hateful”.
G and his family love the words “vile and hateful”. The dramatic sound of it.
Admittedly, in the beginning, I also blamed his ex. After all, how could any mother or siblings be that difficult? It couldn’t be that bad, right? I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Hi Victoria
First of all CONGRATS!! I heard you guys are pregnant. I think he needed that in his life. We had been drifting apart for a while. You are a very lucky woman, he is the best guy I have ever spent time with and I wish the two of you all the best.
Anyway, the mother and the sisters are a big part of our breaking up. He did not see it or just ignored it… not really sure. His mother? I saw her name on the caller ID and ran! Same with his sisters. I literally felt as though I was having a nervous breakdown at one point when she was visiting. I was shaking uncontrollably and crying for at least an hour after she said she was going to stay another whole week, I lost it. The chain smoking, the condescending smiles from her and her daughters, G thought I was the crazy one. D is pure evil that’s all there is to that. I feel sorry for you hun. I was sooooo happy when I knew I would never have to see them again even if it meant my marriage and leaving a beautiful home I worked very hard on, that’s how bad it was for me. Wow, I can’t believe D threatened to drive there and “take care of you” when you were 71/2 months pregnant….. she never went that far with me. All I have to say is good luck to you. It’s never going to change. Feel free to email and vent anytime you want. I had no one when I was in your shoes. No one believed me when I said it was THAT bad.
Sincerely,
B
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Tags: dysfunctional in-laws, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder
I’ve been looking for other blogs to link to regarding in-laws, but there seems to be very few. And if I do find one, usually it’s been abandoned.
Another favorite email from an emotionally crippled individual whom is stuck at around 7 years old:
G,
I’m sad that my children and I will never have a relationship with your child and future children. I truly hope that you are happy and never realize that your current wife is way CRAZIER than your ex ever thought of being. At least with her you knew what you were getting. With V she is deadly. She continues to bash my Mother. I say my Mother because clearly you have no feelings for her. I am shocked that you are so blind, but I guess I shouldn’t be. It makes me sad to know that I’ve lost any kind of relationship with you, and not because of Mom, or anything she did, but because your wife doesn’t want to share. She is not welcome in my home, not welcome to speak to or ever see me or my children, ever. You are still welcome and I will always love you and Sophie but I am completely done with your wife. Do not speak of her to me, she is dead. I love you and hope like hell that witch doesn’t completely destroy you. I will always be here for you if you need me…that’s what family does.
So I came across this pic somewhere on the Internet and it made me smile.
HONESTLY??!! Not because of anything my mommy did, but because your wife doesn’t want to share you with us???!!!! Holy shit.
Anyway, the ignorance floors me. And let me just say, my husband has had very little contact with her children over the years. Her comment about his children being close with her children is an attempt to guilt him, period. It’s bullshit. Another attempt at guilt: you don’t love our mother. But, this is what happens when you have an over bearing, severe alcoholic mother. She has taught her daughters from birth to eat out of the palm of her hand. She has “spells” .. she hyperventilates, stutters and all kinds of things. (Histrionic Personality Disorder) When she calls her poor daughters crying and stuttering, they will do anything she requests. Even if it means a full on attack on another sibling. And, of course, I love the “the witch is going to destroy you” and “you only love her and think you are happy because you are too blind to see what a horrible person she is” — please keep in mind this is ALL because I would not speak to their mother several times a week. Because I did not want to be “friends” with a terribly abusive and alcoholic woman. All because I would not turn my life and my will over to a controlling and Narcissistic freak.
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Tags: dysfunction, dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
This is the second email (no contact statement) I sent his mother. I sent others to all three of them which I’ll post some other time. More along the lines of, “your mother is a freak”. But in the email below the details of how desperate she was to control me and make me acknowledge her are bizarre. She got sloppy, really. However, her daughters? Still don’t believe there is anything unusual about the behavior below. They still only blame me for not saying thank you for her gifts! His mother really used the gift giving as manipulation. And it worked, his sisters were SO angry that I didn’t speak to her after she sent them. It’s still grosses me out that she didn’t call her son on Father’s Day.
The best part of this is the lunch with his sisters. Within five minutes they laid in to G and told him that I have to accept their mother in my life. They told him, “neither of our significant others want to speak to her but they do it because they have to. Yes, Mom is annoying and yes she’s crazy, but we ALL have to answer the phone and come to the phone when she calls. Who does V think she is that she doesn’t have to speak to her??!!” This is a direct quote. One of them stomped out of lunch and sat in her car (like a big girl) after yelling “oh, Mom’s biggest offense is giving V presents!!??” The other sister cried the entire time and then abruptly threw baby gifts at him before driving off.
This is while my baby daughter (their “niece”) is sitting right next to them. We all live three states apart (thank God) and this was their only opportunity to meet her. This is how they spent their time visiting with their brother and his new daughter – yelling and crying because I will not allow their mother to invade my life, insult me and cause family meltdowns and enormous amounts of drama.
Yes, another true story.
M
I assure the three of you that this will be my final letter to you all. This will absolutely be the last time I explain myself. Hopefully, more appropriately than earlier this week.
Last year G and I married. I tried to have a relationship with you, but I realized after several months of speaking to you that I wanted very little to no communication. The reason for this has been explained to you many, many times.
Your unwanted attention continued for months. Your constant anger and insults were terrorizing and anxiety producing for both G and myself. Your behavior disrupted our wedding day, honeymoon, holidays, and my entire pregnancy, etc., etc., etc. G has already detailed this information in an email to his sisters. Then, finally, in march, you apologized.
Since your apology in march:
The baby was born. You didn’t send anything for our daughter, not even a card. This is absolutely fine with me, however, on Mother’s Day you sent me a card and called. Your son answered the phone and started speaking proudly about his daughter. You cut him off abrasively and demanded to know if I received your card. He was taken aback and hesitated and then said, “I’m not sure”. He attempted to speak of his daughter again, but again you abruptly cut him off and demanded, “what do you mean you don’t know?” Feeling uncomfortable, he said “I think I saw the card, yes”. You then said a few more things and then the phone call ended. I don’t want to ever see the same look on his face that I saw after he hung up the phone that day.
Still we invited you into our home to meet our baby. Still not a card or anything was offered to our daughter. Again, though I thought this was a bit unusual after the “Mother’s Day card”, it was completely fine with me. However, my birthday comes and you send ME a gift and call within 10 minutes of its arrival. “Did you get it!!?” We didn’t even have a chance to see the box let alone know what it was or who it was from. So you demanded G call you back as soon as we opened it. He didn’t call you back that night, but called you two days later. You were, once again, angry and didn’t call him back for over a week. You were angry with me that I didn’t acknowledge your “gift”. When people use gifts as a way to manipulate someone to acknowledge them or to get anything in return, they are not gifts. At this point things were beginning to feel very strange and uncomfortable.
You share this information with your daughters, they get angry and are pitted against your son, and me as well, of course. Our nightmare Christmas last year all over again. More anxiety, more stress, more unhappiness. M is angry again.
Father’s Day comes. No gift or card for your son. Not even a phone call. Still nothing for his daughter. Now, we start using the words “unusual behavior”. The feeling of being harassed and inappropriately pursued is mounting and causing huge amounts of distress in our family. Meanwhile we have a little baby to take care of. Which, of course is not your concern. Getting me to acknowledge you is your only concern.
The following week G is exhausted and depressed and we are having discussions of my leaving and separating to get me away from you. He didn’t want to meet with his sisters because he knew he’d be ganged up on. He shares some of this with D. You call him, hyperventilating and asking information about his marriage. He tells you he doesn’t want to talk about it. You tell him, “YOU ARE LIKE TALKING TO A WALL”! You continue to demand to know why D said he was depressed but his blog said we were happy. And then? You hang up on him! He couldn’t believe it. He called you back twice because he thought the call must have been dropped. You didn’t answer. The blog was true we are happy and in love. Did you want me to add that his mother was currently making us miserable?
STILL he decided to meet with his sisters so they could meet our daughter. He did this despite the fact that he knew there would be a blow up about V not wanting a relationship with his mother. He requested I not be there. GJ cried and D got mad and went and sat in the car. They came here under the pretense of meeting with their brother and his daughter, but ended up merely doing your bidding. The way G was treated by his sisters that day, while he was with his new baby, has made me more upset than I have been in my life.
I feel very sad for my husband.
This all looks as if you don’t care how you make people feel as long as you get what you want. This obsession to make me speak to you is the only thing you care about. Not your son, not his baby and certainly not me. You don’t care that we have a newborn infant to take care of and enjoy, and you never cared that we were newly married and needed our space to establish our marriage and enjoy ourselves. There was and continues to be a lack of boundaries and respect. Every single person in our lives gave us this space and respect except you, M. Everyone is happy for us and has put the new couple above their own selfish needs. There are many, many people that were given less attention from us when we first fell in love and got married. It’s normal. We should not have been made to feel like assholes because of it. I’ve mentioned it to you before, but I could speak volumes about poor form and how your lack of manners has fallen well out of the realm of normalcy.
I’m not the type of person that can tolerate constant angry and controlling behavior. I can’t handle it, it stresses me out and causes me a great amount of anxiety. I prefer to enjoy my life rather than become angry myself and act out in mean and inappropriate ways. Doesn’t everyone? I’ve had very close relationships with my ex’s families. I still keep in touch with almost everyone and it’s very disappointing and shocking to me that this has turned out so badly.
M, I am requesting that you no longer make any contact with me whatsoever. We are asking that you no longer call our home. If you want to call your son, call him on his cell phone during the week. Also, he is going to turn his phone off while he’s at home or at least keep it on silent. We no longer want our home life disrupted. I’ve also agreed to this because, if you choose to upset him, I don’t want to see the pain in his face when he hangs up the phone. Please do not send me anything. If you send me anything in the mail it will be thrown away. You and your daughters will see our baby when you see G, and I suppose he will decide when and where. This is up to the four of you to work out.
I’m certain that you and G will be able to find a way to communicate again that will make you both happy.
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Tags: dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
my husband’s mother is a stalker
There has been a series of erratic and bizarre gift giving over the past year. I’ll add the email explaining the details of her “gifts” tomorrow.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
How do Narcissists use giving gifts in their quest for power?
A Narcissist will make strong attempts to control other’s views and behavior towards them. They also require excessive admiration and have an unusual sense of entitlement. A narcissist is envious of others but thinks others are envious of them. A Narcissist is famous for asking questions so they may use any information to find weakness or to use as gossip.
They will lie to their adult children and tell them that the act of giving is the only reward they seek. All the while they secretly yearn for reciprocity. They reject any attempts to rob them of their sacrificial status.
The Narcissist wants the receiver of their gift to think, “It means so much to them and they’ve put so much effort into it! I just couldn’t say no.” The narcissist yearns for the roles to be reversed and for the victim to fall into line. This way, everyone in the family can finally be happy. They will then stop demanding everyone feel sorry for them and angry at their victim.
As for their adult children whom they’ve turned into foot soldiers: Beware as they have been trained since childhood to be their enablers! They will call themselves, “close” or say they have a “special” bond with one another that no one else can understand.
Narcissists demand certain behavior from their adult children because they see their children as extensions of themselves. Narcissistic parents are intrusive and they punish their children if they do not meet their needs. Punishment includes anger, blame, and attempts to instill guilt, emotional withdrawal and criticism. They will “act mad” and/or use fear to demand love and attention. They’ll stop all communication, not return phone calls, etc. etc. Whatever the punishment, the purpose is to enforce compliance with the Narcissistic parent’s needs.
Narcissistic stalking: The
First Warning Signs
Unwanted contacts are the most common
elements of narcissistic stalking
The narcissist attempts to come across
as generous (gifts, flowers, etc.)
Phone messages, and persistent
attempts to engage the victim
in conversation
Narcissistic stalkers use the following ways to
establish contact with their victim:
– Guilt (“Why are you doing this to me, I just want
a relationship with you and I want to be close to
you? Why won’t you love me and let me love you?”)
– Using adult children or other family members
or friends to force victim
to fall in line
– Blackmail (attempts to turn husband/wife, friends and family
against victim)
– Unfounded accusations (“You are selfish and don’t care
about me.”)
–Many stalkers believe that they are the
“true victims” and that they have been
mistreated, ignored, misled, or abandoned
–Sense of entitlement (“you owe me…”)
Completely unable to cope with rejection
–Dependent on others (their adult children)
for sense of “self”
–Views his or her problems as the
victims fault
When behaviors are put together –
a pattern emerges
This pattern serves no other purpose
but to annoy, alarm, harass and
terrorize the victim
Manipulation
What the stalker lacks in social skills is
more than made up with their ability to
manipulate others
How to protect yourself from a narcissistic stalker
-Listen to your instincts
-At the first instance of discomfort, clearly
communicate an unwillingness for further
contact
-Don’t worry about “hurting the person’s
feelings”
-It is better to risk someone’s feelings now,
than be terrorized by that person in the
future.
-Remember, setting firm boundaries
with another’s intrusive behavior is
not rude
-Issue a no-contact statement to the
narcissistic stalker
-It is important that the stalker read or
hear on one occasion that you want no
further contact
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Tags: dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
definitely an all time favorite
I may dedicate this blog to In-Laws with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how it can disrupt and destroy families. The blog is getting hits from people looking for information regarding what I’m posting. It’s helping me with my own anxiety around it as well.
This is a letter from the second sister to her 38 year old brother. This email could land her in therapy for at least 10 years. Her stand is that I must speak to her mother. She even insists that I should fake it. In another email she said to me, “you are required to speak to my mother”. She also said, “because you married my brother, it is now your job to make nice with Mom, NO EXCUSES”. (exact quotes) Keep in mind, this is a grown woman speaking to another grown woman.
As I’m reading this email again, I have a smile on my face because it is just so unbelievable. The attempts at guilt and shaming is just unbelievably dysfunctional. You all must also understand that I cut off communication with the woman after speaking to her for months. She was insulting, controlling and just so abusive and intrusive. This is not the average strained mother-in-law situation. It isn’t workable – at all.
Narcissists cannot handle rejection or being ignored. They have zero empathy and couldn’t care less how they make people feel as long as they get what they want. The respect that is mentioned in the email over and over means one thing – that I must submit and fall in line and do what their mother needs me to do to make her feel better about herself. What makes her feel better about herself is control. A narcissist feeds off of having power over other people. Especially her only sons wife.
His sister actually believes that my husband should “be a man” and make me speak to his abusive, insulting, intrusive mother. That he needs to “get his bitch in line”. I suppose they’d be ok if he beat me until I spoke to her? I mean what exactly do they think he can “do” to me?
The bottom line is that his sisters are emotionally crippled, babbling, child-like adult children of an alcoholic. And this email makes little to zero sense.
G
I am so disappointed in you right now. I know for sure that I have never in my entire life been so disappointed, disgusted and absolutely angry with you. Why haven’t you shared any good things about Mom with V? Why does she only see the negatives? Why haven’t you insisted that even if she doesn’t like your Mother she is still your Mother and she should at least fake it with her. We may not always get to choose who is in our family but we MUST always be respectful. Especially of your Mother. Would you ever treat her Mother like she is treating your Mother? She is ignoring Mom and Mom feels it. You both have made your Mother cry and I totally blame you here. Man Up! Make a stand here. You are the man of this new family and your Mother is in your life whether you like it or not. I’m not going to be the one to tell your Mother that your new wife doesn’t want her included in her life, in your life and not in the life of her new Grand daughter. This is disgusting. You can continue to be rude to your Mother, treat her unfairly or you can make a stand and insist that your wife treat your Mother with respect. They don’t have to be best friends but Jesus Christ, G, this is out of control. You have made your Mother cry and now today you have made me cry. I will not tolerate this total lack of respect for my Mother and you shouldn’t either. I love you very much but I am so angry with you right now I can hardly see through my tears. I want to be included in your life and I want you included in mine but not at the expense of my Mother. I love her very much and I’m hoping you can share some positive thoughts about Mom with your wife and hopefully she will at least give her a chance and treat her with the respect that every Mother has earned just by giving birth to our sorry asses.
Be the man I’ve always thought you were!
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Tags: dysfunction, dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
I wanted to post my letters to g’s mother because they are like pieces of art, in my very humble opinion.
M,
I called you last weekend and told you the reason for my call was because G was unable to sleep after your daughters emailed that you were not doing well physically and emotionally. That you were having physical symptoms which manifest themselves when you become extremely nervous. G became concerned when he heard you were stuttering and breaking out in hives and that we had made you cry. I was taken aback to hear that these nervous symptoms were brought on by your suspicions of my being out to get you and your concern that G was in serious trouble. G felt much better after I called you and you sounded perfectly well, healthy and relaxed. We’re still not sure what “G is in trouble” means, but I can tell you a few things about my relationship with G which may help with any suspicions you have …
G and I have known each other since we were 22 years old. There were stretches over the past 17 years that we were out of touch. There were also many years we spent together getting to know each other. Our decision to get married and start a family so quickly was not an impulsive life decision. It was a move that two 40 year old, perfectly functioning adults made with absolute certainty. At the time we reconnected, we had both concluded we wouldn’t find the right person and never marry (or in his case marry again). I made it a point to make fun of friends with kids that couldn’t travel whenever they felt like it. We both wasted many years involved with the wrong people. We both have very strong values and goals regarding raising children. It was a priority to provide our children with loving, gentle, selfless parents. If I felt G would not have made a good father or if he did not express the desire to be fully involved in his children’s lives, I would not have married him and gotten pregnant. I suspect he feels the same way about me.
We’ve both made sacrifices to be together and start a family. I left San Francisco where I competed in equine sports and had my own business and moved to Campobello, South Carolina. He sold his motorcycle, I sold my horse. We had a dog and a cat. I’m allergic to the cat so he re-homed his cat and we kept our dog. We agreed straight away that I would stay home and raise our children until we felt it was the right time for me to go back to work. He has taken on the task of being the sole provider for our family and I have taken on the full time job of caring for our children with the love and support of their father. If we had the choice to change anything we have done in the past year, we wouldn’t change a thing. It could not have happened soon enough and we are very much in love and confidant with our decisions.
G has not spoken to my mother since she was here last June. I, on the other hand speak to my mother almost every day. If my mother were to call G several times a week when I wasn’t home, it would make G feel uncomfortable. I would immediately tell my mother, “please don’t call G when I’m not home and give him his space”. But what if my mother didn’t respect my request and continued calling? What if she became angry with him and told my family that he was disrespectful and rude and was ignoring him? What if this angered my sisters? It would be hurtful and put even more unnecessary stress on G. And then, what if my sisters demanded that I “be a woman (or woman up) and insist my husband respect and speak to our mother because she gave birth to me and because she is emotionally needy?” Wouldn’t this make it seem as though my mother and her daughters value control? Doesn’t this scenario seem to fall a bit out of the realm of normalcy for a newly married couple pushing 40 years old?
I agreed to speak to you for a few minutes once a week, however, upon further reflection, I’ve concluded that this is not the best choice for me during my last weeks of pregnancy and the several weeks following the baby’s arrival. This is simply because of the unhappiness, anger and stress your behavior caused everyone which all came to a head last week. Behavior which, in my opinion, has been invasive and selfish. Anger was expressed, V has cried, G has experienced sleepless nights and, let’s just say, D is less than happy with me. We are back to a peaceful existence here and would like to keep it that way as the baby’s arrival approaches. I am completely unwilling to take the chance of another painful episode happening for anyone before or after the birth of the baby. I’m still confused as to why you wished to speak to me so often – and for such long periods of time and what exactly you wanted from me. I don’t understand why it was necessary when you can speak to your son any time you desire to do so. I do not understand why you have been so unhappy and angry with me for the past several months.
Because we have all gotten off on the wrong foot, causing so much disruption, there are points I need to make perfectly clear. I married G. I did not marry you, nor did I marry any one G is related to. You do not owe me anything and I would never expect anything from you- I do not possess any sense of self-entitlement regarding your family. I do not owe you anything for giving birth to G or for taking care of him during different times of his life, etc., etc. It is the sole responsibility of G to keep in touch with and to arrange visits with his family. I know that he will do this because he has expressed to me his love for you, V and D so genuinely. And because of this last year being so trying for you, G and myself, I must also make these next points clear: First, because I haven’t any control over G, and because, as I mentioned, he has expressed love so absolute for his family, I would never have the power to force him to “disown” his family. If this was your fear, I would also like to tell you that I have no desire for him to disown his family.
We will have to revisit starting over and speaking to one another several weeks after the baby gets here. I will also not be reading or responding to any emails from you or your daughters at this time. For now, I’m going to focus on bringing our daughter in to a loving, emotionally healthy, tension and drama-free environment. When the time is right, it is my deepest desire for us to work well together so that our daughter can joyfully receive the love from her father’s family that you all are so willing and able to give her. Provided we can come to an agreement regarding an appropriate level of privacy that is best for our family, and that healthy boundaries are set in place for the baby, you will have the opportunity to establish a bond with your granddaughter. The healthy and loving bond she deserves with you, her grandmother.
After I sent this email she called her son and told him that I lacked common decency. Another true story, my friends.
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Tags: dysfunction, dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
marrying so close to crazy II
We’ve had more unbelievable drama with his family. I finally had to write a no contact statement to his mother. Her obsession with controlling me and her son is sick. His family is incredibly dysfunctional and abusive. I will never speak to any of them again.
They are emotional slobs. Dumping their shit anywhere and on anybody without a second thought. Without thinking about how it will affect other people’s lives. The emails I rec’d from them are a psychologist’s wet dream. They could write essays about the way his mother thinks and lives and sucks off of other people emotionally and financially. His mother is repulsive.
Here is just a quick sample. After we rec’d hundreds of calls from his mother his sisters got involved. Told us she was crying every day, convinced I was out to get her and that she believed her son was in “trouble”. (these are exact quotes) Keep in mind his mother was calling, on average, every other day. Sometimes it was more than once a day. She was talking to her son EVERY SINGLE time she called! If he missed a call he would call her right back. Her behavior became increasingly bizarre. When she had him on the phone, she only wanted to talk about me, my family and what I did that day. Nothing about her son. She was doing this to gather information like a good little narcissist. He became vague about me at which time she started having “spells” and became obsessed with my life and very very angry that I would no longer get on the phone with her. Spells – panic attacks, nervous stuttering, hives, hysterical crying. Because she was losing control of her 38 year old adult son … because she couldn’t control me.
After a year of this bullshit, I’d had it, so wrote the following email:
D
Please consider my point of view: Your mother does not respect boundaries, and the drama that ensues within her family because of her selfish and disrespectful behavior is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. I wish someone would tell your mother that everything is not about her. My email was not directed solely at you, it was meant to deflect some of your mothers invasive ways and try to arrange a meeting on my own terms – where we could meet, have lunch, and go home. I really don’t want to spend a week with your mother – sorry! Not after some of the conversations that we’ve had, she wants to gossip about all her family members as a hobby, I do not. These are not conversations I wish to be involved in because they make me feel terribly uncomfortable. I’m not accustomed to being backed into a corner, made to feel that I have to speak to someone so judgmental, negative, gossipy and insulting several times a week while my husband is at work. Yes, she has called the house several times a week to speak to me while G was at work. I “do not go to the phone” because it’s odd to regularly be asked to come to the phone. …I want to enjoy life with George and our baby on the way.
To quote you (from memory) “my mother is so full of shit. No wonder I don’t tell her anything. I can’t believe she is telling you things about my sister’s life”. The key here is, “NO WONDER I DON’T TELL HER ANYTHING”. D, why dance around the truth – it’s your mother!!! Another quote from you, “now you know what it feels like to be stalked and to have no private life, but it’s best if your wife just talks to her”. I am newly married and pregnant for the first time, so perhaps it would be best for her to give me some breathing room and some space. It’s not ok for her to throw a tantrum because we will not answer all of her questions – then call her daughters and get them involved. Did you take into consideration that maybe I’ve never had to deal with a sober alcoholic who has chosen to act out constantly in lieu of working a recovery program? Which, of course, is none of my business, unless she’s the grandmother of my child and expects to be a part of our life.
I’ve chosen to be private about my life when it comes to your mother – because of your mother. And, I don’t like to air out my “M issues” with you, but I suppose she has your ear.
Your mother is making it impossible to have a relationship with either of you.
You are not losing G. Why can’t you guys just call him and say hello? Why have you only called him when your mom complains about not getting enough attention? There is nothing going on here, trust me. We are really happy and experiencing the best time of our lives. I’m sorry if that is not juicy enough gossip and drama. I’m sorry if my emails about how happy we are are with updates about the pregnancy are not enough. I’m really sorry any attempts at avoiding drama have only caused drama. Just to let you know …. your mother will make drama out of ANYTHING. If it wasn’t because I have not met her yet, it would only be something else.
Honestly, all I’ve wanted since I got pregnant from your mother is to be left alone. Demanding my attention by, as you say, “stalking” me and acting like an insecure child has left me stressed and disappointed more days than I’d like to admit. I do have compassion for her as she is my daughter’s grandmother and I have thought so much about this over the last several months (instead of thoroughly enjoying being a newlywed and new mom). I can only take on so much at one time. G and I live a very quiet and private life and we’re trying to figure out how to deal with his mother together and trying to figure out how to incorporate her into the baby’s life in a way that is best for the little one and drama free. At this point, I’m not convinced it’s possible.
To which the loser replied:
G – WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY I AM HOLDING MY TONGUE AND NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR WIFE’S HATEFUL, VILE EMAILS. YOU BETTER GET HER OFF THAT COMPUTER THOUGH OR I’M COMING TO MOTHER FUCKING SOUTH CAROLINA AND PUTTING AN END TO THIS SHIT IN PERSON. AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR. CONTROL YOUR BITCH, NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, this is a true story, people. Meet the fucking crazies. I will post more of their ridiculous emails later. The dysfunction and ignorance is entertaining to all of my friends and family. I suppose I would think it was too, if it weren’t my life.
Filed under: my weird life | 6 Comments
Tags: dysfunction, dysfunctional in-laws, Histrionic personality disorder, mother-in-law, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
marrying so close to crazy
**I originally posted this February 21 2010.
I started a post about my husband’s mother, the source of so much anxiety and depression for the whole world. But I don’t have it in me right now to tell my story.
A diagnosis by proxy is not a clinically valid diagnosis, but in the case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the person concerned rarely comes for counseling.
Yeah, try to get his mother into therapy. As my girlfriend says, “I’ve only read about people like her in books”. And that’s not me trying to be funny, it was a serious conversation. In my life, I’ve never met anyone like her either. It’s disturbing to know she’s free to think about me. Having her focus on me is emotionally damaging and I worry about her involvement with my daughter.
Actually, let me post a letter that I sent to my best friend:
Last night his sister sent an email saying that their mom was breaking out in hives and stuttering (the stupid nervous thing she does). And that she was convinced “G is in in trouble” and that I’m out to get her. How full of shit can a person be? Can you believe they fall for this type of manipulation? He just called her two days ago and she acted “mad”, mentioned the weather then got off the phone quickly with him. Sound like a woman who practically needs to be hospitalized??? Sound like a woman concerned that her son is in grave danger?? So, I had to put an end to it. I called her and said her family was seriously concerned that she was suffering from a nervous breakdown and worried unnecessarily that I was conspiring to steal her son and that he is in grave danger. She answered the phone, not a stutter in range, like everything was just fine saying, “well, are you ok, nothing is wrong here” … so I asked a series of questions which proved her guilt. I felt like asking if she thought I was a fucking idiot. I asked if we could stop this now, and she said about four times, “well, I need for you to talk to me sometimes” (or whatever her exact works were) and G almost busted out laughing … only a skilled narcissist can pull this sort of thing off … it’s almost impressive, the level of calculating, controlling behavior we’re dealing with. Impressive to see what she will do to get her hands on me. Stuttering and hives??? So I said, “if giving you what you want will help my husband sleep at night, I will talk to you for 5 minutes once every week or two. And please do not call me while G is at work because it’s uncomfortable. I also told her that in my opinion she’d been selfish and that the next time we ask for space it would be best to give it to us. I gave the phone to G and she acted mad with him again, said something about the weather AGAIN and hung up quickly. How can she keep track? Like, “I will get V on the phone by acting like a hurt, insane lunatic to my daughters, stutter and act overly concerned for my son’s well-being because I’m such an incredible mom … AND when V calls me, act totally lucid, AND remember to still act mad at G for pushing me away”? That’s a lot of shit to pull off at once. Fucking nut job. So I just had to write his sister back and make sure to explain that she didn’t get me to do anything by way of manipulation. Or that perhaps she did, but that I am very, very well aware of what she’s doing.
Getting me on the phone is just the beginning of the victory she’s looking for … she’s looking to get deep in my head. I was effective in not speaking to her for months after the control, passive aggressiveness and insults started. It was just the beginning for her, but I immediately cut her off, leaving her frothing at the mouth.
I gave birth to you so you must love me and give me attention. It’s gross. It’s my biggest trigger. And it’s the way I’ve always known I’d never raise my children- that they will never be responsible for making me happy and/or fulfilling my emptiness. They will not owe me anything because I love them. It’s interesting that I’ve always been so sensitive to how children are treated, especially in the emotionally abusive respect. My father is very much like her and, needless to say, I’ve not spoken to him in 10 years.
I really need some time alone but I can’t get it here. I would do anything to be able to come into the city and spend a night or two with you but I’m too freaking far away. It will be so wonderful to come back to the area. I’m going to say it that way .. that we will be coming back, period. Actually, I’d love to go to B’s and hang out for a few weeks. Then again, it really would be selfish of me, I think, to leave G at an emotionally raw time. I remember the first time I found out my family had some “issues” … it was a weird time.
Last night I had the first feelings ever while being with him of, “did I do the right thing”, “if I could go back would I have married into this?” How did I marry so close to Crazy? Can I do this for the rest of my life? Is it going to get better? I can’t believe I have to go through this transition with him. I can’t believe we are going to be in therapy because he needs to learn how to deal with his mom. What happened to my fairytale?? And the thoughts went on … until I fell asleep. It makes me very sad that something like this can affect a marriage so deeply. From what I’ve read, it certainly can … and it can easily end a marriage.
His sister said that he could have saved himself this stress if he’d had his mother spend more time with me and meet me more before getting married. As if he wouldn’t have married me if he found out I couldn’t stand his mother! Or, as she says, he should have found out if his mother approved first (because the story is on their end that she doesn’t like me – you know because I won’t talk to her five times a week!) and it would have saved him all this pain and suffering. She/they couldn’t care less that he’s the happiest he’s ever been in his life, but because his mother is unhappy, it’s a terrible match. It’s just unbelievable. It’s all about her and she makes sure to keep it that way.
I’m hoping that in a week or two things will feel back to normal with him. I just don’t see how it could get worse … I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she goes on a different medication that’s actually effective, or gets a frontal lobotomy.
Filed under: my weird life | 2 Comments
Tags: dysfunction, dysfunctional in-laws, narcisisstic mother-in-law, narcissistic personality disorder, severe dysfunctional family systems
peeing and red sauce
Last night my husband and I were discussing sex (or lack of) and he said that I’m “different” — that I’m still attractive, but wholesome. Who in the heck would say this to a pregnant woman? My face must have morphed into something quite disturbing because an immediate look of regret washed over his face. Our bed is huge. I slept aaaalllll the way to the corner on my side of the bed … I was so far over that I could have easily fallen off in the middle of the night. I never sleep that far over. I’m so obvious, and it’s easy for him to make up with me. I will probably milk this all weekend and collect as many compliments as I can. The truth? I’m feeling lazy and sex seems to be a big chore for me lately.
Before moving to the other side of the bed, I went out to the kitchen. I had just taken a shower and was standing there … naked. As I reached for my prenatal vitamin, I started peeing on the floor. This is right after my husband said I am “different”. What’s so different about an eight month pregnant woman with bladder control issues standing in the kitchen peeing … naked?
I soaked and cooked organic red beans and then made meat sauce. I make it with free range, organic turkey meat and hot and mild chicken sausages. Fresh basil and all kinds of fresh Italian seasoning and LOTS of fresh garlic! I put some red wine in and let it simmer all day. I have to say, my sauce is pretty darn good.
Filed under: food & cooking, my weird life | 2 Comments
Well, I made big plans, but didn’t get much done. What a surprise. Also, I ended up with a flu like thing last week. However, the little girl does have a closet now! I painted the doors months ago, but painted the inside over the weekend. Did a lot of organizing in the kitchen as well. The kitchen cabs were out of control.
I made up a holiday for myself years ago. It’s called “The Second Saturday of March”. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone, really. My goal each year on this day is to do something productive or beautiful. Since it’s springtime, I usually do something outside. Anyway, as long as I’m not indulging in depressing activities, such as sitting on the couch eating banana chips.
So we nested all day and feasted on Whole Foods fare.
Filed under: crafts & house projects, the babe | 2 Comments
live music and nesting
We went out on Friday night with g’s best friends. Well, they are my best friends, too! We had a really great time. I can’t remember the last time we got out and had a real dinner. I definitely can’t remember the last we witnessed live music. It would be nice to get out a couple more times before The Babe comes.
Today g left on business for a week. I miss him already. From the second he left I got motivated to do stuff. Stuff I’ve been wanting to do for months and months. Also, for some reason, I feel like I can do things myself that I normally depend on him to do. Like using a screw driver.
The Consumers
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32 weeks
I haven’t posted about the baby in awhile. I started this blog pretty early in my pregnancy, when I was ambivalent, scared, depressed and freaked out about it. I felt weird and guilty about blogging about her after all the horrible feelings I had about being pregnant. After my first 3-D ultrasound, at 11 weeks, I felt so much better. I bonded with the baby at that time, but my struggle was far from over. The first four months were the most difficult of my life, I think. Even though I’ve been through a lot over the years, the feelings I experienced during the transition were unbelievable at times. The worst of it was not knowing if the feelings would pass. By 18 weeks and our final ultrasound, we found out she was a girl and I was in love. I have tears in my eyes as I type this.
Right at about six and a half months, things started shifting. The worst of the depression lifted and I started to feel a sense of purpose. She was coming and it started to become real. The three and a half months we had left before she got here seemed to magically unfold in front of me. I felt more organized, if there is such a thing as being “emotionally organized”. Overall, after the first trimester and my nuttiness, I’ve enjoyed being pregnant. A huge surprise to me!
It makes me cringe to think of the time I’ve wasted sitting here. I could have learned another language during these past months. Now, I have so much to do! Cleaning, laundry and organizing her stuff. I’ve done a pretty good job collecting gear. We have only a few more things to purchase.
As far as laboring and delivering this little coconut, I’m going to try for a natural water birth. However, I’m not against pain meds if I’m 5cm and 17 hours in, know what I mean? I’m with a midwifery within a hospital and we are going to go with as little intervention as possible. That’s the only “birth plan” I’ve come up with. I won’t dare get my hopes up for anything too specific as I know anything could happen. I am, however, fully committed to breastfeeding. Since preparing myself for the worst has worked well for me over this past year, I am preparing for breastfeeding to run my life for months. There will be no, “oh, I tried it and it just didn’t work out”. Unless my body doesn’t produce milk, Baby has two options, my left boob or my right. This is my choice and I would never judge any one else and their decisions. As with natural childbirth vs. pain meds, it’s really about what works best for Mama and her baby.
Here are the ultrasound pics that were taken at 18 weeks.
Filed under: the babe | 1 Comment
pregnancy isomnia
I lie awake thinking about how much I dislike my family, g’s family, my neighbors, the South and most ex boyfriends, bosses, co-workers and clients. I’m having a difficult time getting zen about anything. I constantly attempt to shift my thinking and it’s so difficult.
We are getting the house ready for the market. We were seriously considering a move to OR as CA is so expensive. After spending a winter here, however, I need more sun that Portland can offer, I think. Over the weekend I checked out the real estate market in nothern CA and almost peed my pants. It’s been about six months since I did any research out there and was amazed to see most houses in a specific area priced in our range. I just can’t believe it.
Soooo, while sleepless, it would be best for me to meditate on our goals and focus on sending out a message to the new owner of the house. Get the universe working in our favor.
Filed under: finding our way home | 1 Comment
several small-ish organic potatoes
4 cups organic chicken broth
fresh rosemary
half organic small-ish onion
handful organic spinach
the rosemary is so good
we’re watching “up in the air” downloaded via a torrent
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jan 1
and the holidays are over …
I was pretty engaged this year, maybe even busy. I actually sent Christmas cards. Though I did a lot of shopping and shipping, we didn’t spend very much on gifts. We spent quite a bit on our tree and the shipping to family was a rip off.
New Year’s resolutions? I don’t usually make them, but this year I’m having a baby so I guess I’ll pick it for an accomplishment. We are also going on a budget for the first time ever which should be interesting.
Filed under: family | 2 Comments
an antique door desk
I’m working on putting this desk together. I found this door for ten bucks which continues to delight me. Recently, I ran across a shop with various crap doors for $60-$125 and I’m compelled to proudly report that my door is far superior. I was holding out for two filing cabinets instead of sawhorses for the extra storage, but I think I’m going for the look in the photo since I haven’t come across matching cabinets. Also, I want to keep the handles attached so I’m trying to come up with an alternative to a glass top.
Filed under: cool shit, crafts & house projects | 2 Comments
martha’s wire organizer
G made these for me and I put postcards from my travels in them. The Greece photos are my favorite. Trying to show off the exposed trusses in this photo.
I took this in Oia, Greece, I think I may frame it.
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thrifting and etsy
I drifted in and out of five antique stores today. There are many antique and thrift stores close together in the town next to us. I moped in and out, from one to the next in silence, feeling sad and not finding anything fantastic. I stopped to look at a few pieces of Fostoria, old Pyrex and some Fire-King “Jade-ite”. Actually, the Fire-King reamer which caught my attention is a reproduction. Fire-King 2000. “Reproductions of a Jeannette reamer top and a US GLass pitcher wedded to make an item never produced by either of those companies.”
I’m wanting to continue collecting random pieces. I’m also looking to find a specific line of some sort. Nothing overly popular or expensive, which automatically alleviates Fire-King Restaurantware from the list. Thankfully, it’s not on my favorites list. I do, however, like amber Fostoria glassware. My mother’s best friend had a set and I remember it clearly. I’m going to ask her about them. I will continue my search for something I love.
Any which way, I tried to find solace in the sad quietness of it all today, by reminding myself that soon, I’ll have a baby to distract me twenty-four hours a day. Speaking of a crazy life with a baby, I’m tired of everyone saying, “oh you just wait, you’re going to be miserable. Your going to wish you could shove that baby back up there after not sleeping or having any privacy ever again”. I don’t know, I’m not buying it … it can’t be so debilitating, can it? I’m thinking it’s going to be somewhere in the middle of beautiful, soft and easy to uncontrollably chaotic. I believe I may have just stated the obvious.
And, I just can not visit Etsy without instantly falling in love with something.
Filed under: cool shit | 2 Comments
Tags: etsy, vintage glassware
ten honest things about me
I was tagged by my new friend Tammi who is very sweet and funny. I thoroughly enjoy keeping up with her blog.
1) I have situational and generalized depression and generalized anxiety. For example, situational depression- I’m not working right now or contributing financially, so I’m depressed. I’m isolated with little contact with the outside world, so I’m depressed. Stuff like that. This would be the third genuine depression I’ve experienced. The first was in tenth grade, from sixteen to eighteen years old, when a bunch of weird shit happened. The second lasted eighteen months when I was twenty-six after sustaining a blown ACL in a snow skiing accident.
2) I quit college to attend massage therapy school. Now, fifteen years later, many universities offer associate and bachelor degrees in body work, which of course pisses me off. I would not have left university to attend a technical school if they’d offered what I wanted. Because after all, it’s all about me and what I want.
3) I was a cheerleader throughout high school. For various reasons, by mid-season, I was kicked off the squad three out of the four years.
4) I’ve known my husband for seventeen years and we have a dog.
5) I’ve had five years of photography classes and love it. I have a shit camera and have for years now. I don’t see myself getting back into it anytime soon.
6) I’m am half Polish and half Italian. I look very southern Italian with dark hair and dark eyes. My husband is an Irish boy with true Baldwin eyes, seriously, he could be related. (that was for Tammi) 🙂
7) I’m an equine sportsman and have competed on and off since I was a child. I am currently selling my horse since my focus will be elsewhere when baby comes.
8 ) I had my boobs done … I didn’t think my body would ever be pregnant with child, so it looks as though my breasts will soon be back where they started pre-op. They are already the size of Texas, each. You don’t have to be extraordinarily vain to have your boobs fixed. It’s a girl thing … obviously.
9) I believe I have an eclectic taste. I enjoy all sorts of different looks. I have things in our home that are American, European, Mexican, Asian. Things that are new, things that are old. Things that are hippie-ish and things that are traditional.
10) Though I can have a pretty outgoing personality, I can be horribly elusive and consider myself anti-social. With my generalized anxiety comes social anxiety, as well. Overbearing, pushy people that want to get all up in my business are barking up the wrong tree.
Filed under: my weird life | 4 Comments
Tags: about me
home sweet home
I returned home from my visit with my family last Monday. As I mentioned in previous posts, everyone in my family was sick during my visit so, while there, I didn’t do much of anything I’d planned. Plus, I didn’t want to visit with friends who have children in case I was carrying the flu. Luckily, I came through it all unscathed.
Didn’t even see the sewing machine, nor did my mum and I make her special recipes. But there’s always next time, which should be soon- maybe in a few weeks. It was so good to get away. Since my return, I’ve even been giving the South a bit of a break from my negative, hum drum attitude.
I’ve not been eating well. I’m certainly eating tons of food and I’m healthy, but I could be doing much, much better for The Babe. I’ve been eating a lot of salt, refined sugar, flour and saturated fat. I’ll get more into it later.
Anyway, g definitely has no complaints.
French toast (um, whipped cream not pictured). Freakin’ YUM.
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Tags: good old fashioned food
rocker craftin’
I brought some thrift t-shirts to make a couple of these with my niece. (if she gets over her 104 degree temperature before I leave)
Kandee has a killer CBGB t-shirt she made into a halter, however, for some odd reason, I couldn’t find a t-shirt of comparable coolness in North Carolina. 😉
I suppose I could order it online
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Corn Fritters with Yogurt Dip
1 (48-ounce) bottle canola oil
1 cup flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
1 large egg
2/3 cup milk
2 tbls unsalted butter, melted
1 cup fresh corn kernels (about 2 ears)
**This is an August recipe, best made when corn is in abundance at local farm stands … but, whatever.
Preheat oven to 200 F. Heat oil to 375 F in a medium pot fitted with deep-fry thermometer. Sift flour, baking powder, salt, and cayenne together in a medium bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk egg, milk, and butter together and stir into dry ingredients. Fold in corn and let batter sit for 5 minutes. Drop heaping tablespoonfuls of batter into heated oil and fry until golden, about 3 minutes (work in batches of 4 or 5). Drain on a baking pan lined with paper towels. Transfer to a second baking pan and keep warm in oven. Serve with yogurt dip (recipe follows).
Yogurt Dip
2/3 cup yogurt
2 tbls dill
2 tbls olive oil
1/2 tsp sea salt
Mix and chill
Serve with corn fritters
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Ok, so everyone is sick in my family. My mother and niece are both taking Tamiflu and no one can leave to do anything productive … like shopping and dining in places that serve real food. I’m a quarantined pregnant woman and I’m beginning to feel more isolated and depressed than I was back at home. All whining and negativity aside, mercury or not, it might be best if I reconsider my decision to pass on the vaccine.
Continuing with the theme of food I didn’t know was considered southern food, I thought I’d make these for g when I return from my trip. Pimento cheese, AKA southern pate.
From one of my mother’s Country Living mags …
Pimento – Cheese Sandwiches
In a medium bowl stir together the following:
1/2 pound grated, sharp yellow cheddar cheese
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons horseradish
1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
5 tablespoons mayonnaise
Blend half the mixture in a food processor until smooth. Transfer back to bowl, add 3 tablespoons chopped marinated roasted red pepper, and stir to combine. Trim crusts from 16 slices firm white bread. Spread pimento cheese among 8 slices. Top with remaining bread. Cute sandwiches into quarters, slicing on the diagonal.
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unhealthy eating and grits
I’ve been a grit freak since I was a kid. I didn’t realize they were a southern phenomenon until, as an adult, I either couldn’t find them on a menu or, because they are rarely requested, were only cooked to order.
I actually post recipes instead of collecting them on paper (which end up strewn or stuck in weird places) and reference my blog later. I’m going to make both of these, for shiz.
Both recipes: Barbara Smith, author of “B. Smith Cooks Southern-Style”
Lobster Grits
3.5 cup seafood broth or stock, or bottled clam juice
0.75 cup old-fashioned stone-ground grits
0.25 teaspoon paprika
2 tablespoon butter
0.5 cup Fontina cheese, or more to taste
1 tablespoon fresh chopped tarragon, or ½ teaspoon dried tarragon
1 cup cooked diced lobster
Salt and freshly ground white pepper to taste
Chopped scallions, for garnish
In a medium saucepan, bring the seafood broth to a boil and slowly stir in the grits. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover, and cook for 12 to 14 minutes or until thickened, stirring occasionally.
Stir in butter, paprika, cheese, tarragon and lobster. Continue cooking until cheese is melted, about 2 to 3 minutes. Serve immediately, garnished with chopped scallions.
Note: For thicker grits, decrease the amount of liquid; for thinner grits, increase the amount of liquid.
And a freaking grits casserole … it must be good:
Turkey Andouille sausage and cheese grits casserole
0.5 pound cooked crumbled turkey Andouille sausage
3 cup low-sodium chicken stock or broth
0.5 teaspoon salt
1 cup uncooked quick grits
1.5 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
2 tablespoon butter, plus more for greasing pan
2 eggs, beaten
1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
Hot pepper sauce to taste, optional
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter the inside of a 2-quart casserole or 8-inch square baking dish, or coat with non-stick cooking spray.
In large saucepan, heat chicken broth and salt to boiling over high heat. Slowly stir in grits and reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until thickened, 5 to 7 minutes.
Remove pan from heat; stir in 1 cup of the cheese and the butter, stirring until melted. Set aside to cool slightly, about 5 minutes.
Stir in the eggs, sausage, parsley and hot sauce, if using. Pour the grits mixture into the prepared casserole and spread evenly.
Bake uncovered for 30 minutes. Sprinkle the top evenly with the remaining ½ cup of cheese. Continue baking until the center is slightly puffed and set (when a knife comes out clean or it springs back when lightly pressed), and top is golden brown, about 20 minutes.
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righteous pillage
I didn’t find much avocado, mustard, orange or chocolate colored goodies at my mother’s this visit. Over the years I’ve been able to successfully steal most of the cool shit. The sewing machine, if I remember correctly, is a luscious, ugly shade of milk chocolate. I talked to my sister and, since she doesn’t sew, she’s willing to give it up.
My mother is unusually organized with a huge three-walled pantry. She has my late grandmother’s set of china and pots and pans, her husband’s late mother’s silver and all of her own stuff, so I plan on grabbing something. She also has, like, 12 colanders. For realz.
80s Pyrex. She’s been holding on to these for awhile now because I didn’t want to send them to CA or carry them back with me. I was delighted to see four bowls. I remembered there being three.
From her mid-eighties Caribbean cruising. She has several of the same wicker bread/fruit baskets. I need one, I’m sure of it.
I can’t believe I’m blogging about my mother’s pantry and pots and pans. I’m officially an obsessed nester.
Lately I’ve been feeling myself slowly falling into a passionate, forever-burning-love with The Babe.
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dear diary
I’m leaving on Tuesday morning to visit my family. I’m feeling good about it and I’m energetic enough to make the trip. They don’t live in northern California, but it gets me out of here and I’d enjoy seeing them anywhere- Ok, except maybe anywhere in the South. Wink.
I’m looking forward to sewing with my mother on the machine she taught me to use a couple times when I was little. I don’t remember a thing. My sister successfully stole it, so it’s my plan to sneak it back out of her house and bring it home! We’ll see how she feels about it. Wish me luck!
I’m also looking forward to my mother and I cooking together and making her famous lasagna and golumpki recipes. I haven’t cooked with my mother in many years due to my focus being elsewhere, however, now with my new career as mother-at-home-for-life, I’m feeling super domesticated.
I’m also going to the beach.
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i love this girl
I’ve never been hugely into make-up but I could watch Kandee Johnson all day long. It’s very inspirational to watch someone do what they were meant to do … whatever it is.
Happy Halloween!!!
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Oh my God! My body must be producing zero serotonin. I have days when something great happens and I actually feel as though I’m in a moderately positive mood- but then, there it goes, sliding right through my fingers. It’s so frustrating. I feel like there are hundred pound weights strapped all over my body. When I’m depressed I am perpetually uncomfortable with who I am.
This is the third genuine depression I’ve experienced. This episode is going on 4 years. It’s the longest one. The last two were only 18 and 24 months. There have been many different things that have happened prior to and during my depressions but, hands down, the one common denominator is unemployment. I really, really want this to end and I’ve exhausted myself trying to get out. I have no idea what’s going to make my brain work right again this time.
I’m praying that when I have the baby it will be my new, most amazingly favorite job ever. It hasn’t been this way for any of my friends, which has resulted in them eventually returning to work. I didn’t plan on feeling this way. I believed with all my heart that my depression was due to being childless. I wanted to devote my entire life to being a stay at home mother and doing the best I can to give one or two babies an an incredible life.
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cerebral misfortune 