still wasting too much time thinking about the crackbrained

05Aug10

I wanted to post my letters to g’s mother because they are like pieces of art, in my very humble opinion.

M,

I called you last weekend and told you the reason for my call was because G was unable to sleep after your daughters emailed that you were not doing well physically and emotionally. That you were having physical symptoms which manifest themselves when you become extremely nervous. G became concerned when he heard you were stuttering and breaking out in hives and that we had made you cry. I was taken aback to hear that these nervous symptoms were brought on by your suspicions of my being out to get you and your concern that G was in serious trouble. G felt much better after I called you and you sounded perfectly well, healthy and relaxed. We’re still not sure what “G is in trouble” means, but I can tell you a few things about my relationship with G which may help with any suspicions you have …

G and I have known each other since we were 22 years old. There were stretches over the past 17 years that we were out of touch. There were also many years we spent together getting to know each other. Our decision to get married and start a family so quickly was not an impulsive life decision. It was a move that two 40 year old, perfectly functioning adults made with absolute certainty. At the time we reconnected, we had both concluded we wouldn’t find the right person and never marry (or in his case marry again). I made it a point to make fun of friends with kids that couldn’t travel whenever they felt like it. We both wasted many years involved with the wrong people. We both have very strong values and goals regarding raising children. It was a priority to provide our children with loving, gentle, selfless parents. If I felt G would not have made a good father or if he did not express the desire to be fully involved in his children’s lives, I would not have married him and gotten pregnant. I suspect he feels the same way about me.

We’ve both made sacrifices to be together and start a family. I left San Francisco where I competed in equine sports and had my own business and moved to Campobello, South Carolina. He sold his motorcycle, I sold my horse. We had a dog and a cat. I’m allergic to the cat so he re-homed his cat and we kept our dog. We agreed straight away that I would stay home and raise our children until we felt it was the right time for me to go back to work. He has taken on the task of being the sole provider for our family and I have taken on the full time job of caring for our children with the love and support of their father. If we had the choice to change anything we have done in the past year, we wouldn’t change a thing. It could not have happened soon enough and we are very much in love and confidant with our decisions.

G has not spoken to my mother since she was here last June. I, on the other hand speak to my mother almost every day. If my mother were to call G several times a week when I wasn’t home, it would make G feel uncomfortable. I would immediately tell my mother, “please don’t call G when I’m not home and give him his space”. But what if my mother didn’t respect my request and continued calling? What if she became angry with him and told my family that he was disrespectful and rude and was ignoring him? What if this angered my sisters? It would be hurtful and put even more unnecessary stress on G. And then, what if my sisters demanded that I “be a woman (or woman up) and insist my husband respect and speak to our mother because she gave birth to me and because she is emotionally needy?” Wouldn’t this make it seem as though my mother and her daughters value control? Doesn’t this scenario seem to fall a bit out of the realm of normalcy for a newly married couple pushing 40 years old?

I agreed to speak to you for a few minutes once a week, however, upon further reflection, I’ve concluded that this is not the best choice for me during my last weeks of pregnancy and the several weeks following the baby’s arrival. This is simply because of the unhappiness, anger and stress your behavior caused everyone which all came to a head last week. Behavior which, in my opinion, has been invasive and selfish. Anger was expressed, V has cried, G has experienced sleepless nights and, let’s just say, D is less than happy with me. We are back to a peaceful existence here and would like to keep it that way as the baby’s arrival approaches. I am completely unwilling to take the chance of another painful episode happening for anyone before or after the birth of the baby. I’m still confused as to why you wished to speak to me so often – and for such long periods of time and what exactly you wanted from me. I don’t understand why it was necessary when you can speak to your son any time you desire to do so. I do not understand why you have been so unhappy and angry with me for the past several months.

Because we have all gotten off on the wrong foot, causing so much disruption, there are points I need to make perfectly clear. I married G. I did not marry you, nor did I marry any one G is related to. You do not owe me anything and I would never expect anything from you- I do not possess any sense of self-entitlement regarding your family. I do not owe you anything for giving birth to G or for taking care of him during different times of his life, etc., etc. It is the sole responsibility of G to keep in touch with and to arrange visits with his family. I know that he will do this because he has expressed to me his love for you, V and D so genuinely. And because of this last year being so trying for you, G and myself, I must also make these next points clear: First, because I haven’t any control over G, and because, as I mentioned, he has expressed love so absolute for his family, I would never have the power to force him to “disown” his family. If this was your fear, I would also like to tell you that I have no desire for him to disown his family.

We will have to revisit starting over and speaking to one another several weeks after the baby gets here. I will also not be reading or responding to any emails from you or your daughters at this time. For now, I’m going to focus on bringing our daughter in to a loving, emotionally healthy, tension and drama-free environment. When the time is right, it is my deepest desire for us to work well together so that our daughter can joyfully receive the love from her father’s family that you all are so willing and able to give her. Provided we can come to an agreement regarding an appropriate level of privacy that is best for our family, and that healthy boundaries are set in place for the baby, you will have the opportunity to establish a bond with your granddaughter. The healthy and loving bond she deserves with you, her grandmother.

After I sent this email she called her son and told him that I lacked common decency. Another true story, my friends.

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