the datails of an obsessed mother-in-law

08Aug10

This is the second email (no contact statement) I sent his mother. I sent others to all three of them which I’ll post some other time. More along the lines of, “your mother is a freak”. But in the email below the details of how desperate she was to control me and make me acknowledge her are bizarre. She got sloppy, really. However, her daughters? Still don’t believe there is anything unusual about the behavior below. They still only blame me for not saying thank you for her gifts! His mother really used the gift giving as manipulation. And it worked, his sisters were SO angry that I didn’t speak to her after she sent them. It’s still grosses me out that she didn’t call her son on Father’s Day.

The best part of this is the lunch with his sisters. Within five minutes they laid in to G and told him that I have to accept their mother in my life. They told him, “neither of our significant others want to speak to her but they do it because they have to. Yes, Mom is annoying and yes she’s crazy, but we ALL have to answer the phone and come to the phone when she calls. Who does V think she is that she doesn’t have to speak to her??!!” This is a direct quote. One of them stomped out of lunch and sat in her car (like a big girl) after yelling “oh, Mom’s biggest offense is giving V presents!!??” The other sister cried the entire time and then abruptly threw baby gifts at him before driving off.

This is while my baby daughter (their “niece”) is sitting right next to them. We all live three states apart (thank God) and this was their only opportunity to meet her. This is how they spent their time visiting with their brother and his new daughter – yelling and crying because I will not allow their mother to invade my life, insult me and cause family meltdowns and enormous amounts of drama.

Yes, another true story.

M

I assure the three of you that this will be my final letter to you all. This will absolutely be the last time I explain myself. Hopefully, more appropriately than earlier this week.

Last year G and I married. I tried to have a relationship with you, but I realized after several months of speaking to you that I wanted very little to no communication. The reason for this has been explained to you many, many times.

Your unwanted attention continued for months. Your constant anger and insults were terrorizing and anxiety producing for both G and myself. Your behavior disrupted our wedding day, honeymoon, holidays, and my entire pregnancy, etc., etc., etc. G has already detailed this information in an email to his sisters. Then, finally, in march, you apologized.

Since your apology in march:

The baby was born. You didn’t send anything for our daughter, not even a card. This is absolutely fine with me, however, on Mother’s Day you sent me a card and called. Your son answered the phone and started speaking proudly about his daughter. You cut him off abrasively and demanded to know if I received your card. He was taken aback and hesitated and then said, “I’m not sure”. He attempted to speak of his daughter again, but again you abruptly cut him off and demanded, “what do you mean you don’t know?” Feeling uncomfortable, he said “I think I saw the card, yes”. You then said a few more things and then the phone call ended. I don’t want to ever see the same look on his face that I saw after he hung up the phone that day.

Still we invited you into our home to meet our baby. Still not a card or anything was offered to our daughter. Again, though I thought this was a bit unusual after the “Mother’s Day card”, it was completely fine with me. However, my birthday comes and you send ME a gift and call within 10 minutes of its arrival. “Did you get it!!?” We didn’t even have a chance to see the box let alone know what it was or who it was from. So you demanded G call you back as soon as we opened it. He didn’t call you back that night, but called you two days later. You were, once again, angry and didn’t call him back for over a week. You were angry with me that I didn’t acknowledge your “gift”. When people use gifts as a way to manipulate someone to acknowledge them or to get anything in return, they are not gifts. At this point things were beginning to feel very strange and uncomfortable.

You share this information with your daughters, they get angry and are pitted against your son, and me as well, of course. Our nightmare Christmas last year all over again. More anxiety, more stress, more unhappiness. M is angry again.

Father’s Day comes. No gift or card for your son. Not even a phone call. Still nothing for his daughter. Now, we start using the words “unusual behavior”. The feeling of being harassed and inappropriately pursued is mounting and causing huge amounts of distress in our family. Meanwhile we have a little baby to take care of. Which, of course is not your concern. Getting me to acknowledge you is your only concern.

The following week G is exhausted and depressed and we are having discussions of my leaving and separating to get me away from you. He didn’t want to meet with his sisters because he knew he’d be ganged up on. He shares some of this with D. You call him, hyperventilating and asking information about his marriage. He tells you he doesn’t want to talk about it. You tell him, “YOU ARE LIKE TALKING TO A WALL”! You continue to demand to know why D said he was depressed but his blog said we were happy. And then? You hang up on him! He couldn’t believe it. He called you back twice because he thought the call must have been dropped. You didn’t answer. The blog was true we are happy and in love. Did you want me to add that his mother was currently making us miserable?

STILL he decided to meet with his sisters so they could meet our daughter. He did this despite the fact that he knew there would be a blow up about V not wanting a relationship with his mother. He requested I not be there. GJ cried and D got mad and went and sat in the car. They came here under the pretense of meeting with their brother and his daughter, but ended up merely doing your bidding. The way G was treated by his sisters that day, while he was with his new baby, has made me more upset than I have been in my life.

I feel very sad for my husband.

This all looks as if you don’t care how you make people feel as long as you get what you want. This obsession to make me speak to you is the only thing you care about. Not your son, not his baby and certainly not me. You don’t care that we have a newborn infant to take care of and enjoy, and you never cared that we were newly married and needed our space to establish our marriage and enjoy ourselves. There was and continues to be a lack of boundaries and respect. Every single person in our lives gave us this space and respect except you, M. Everyone is happy for us and has put the new couple above their own selfish needs. There are many, many people that were given less attention from us when we first fell in love and got married. It’s normal. We should not have been made to feel like assholes because of it. I’ve mentioned it to you before, but I could speak volumes about poor form and how your lack of manners has fallen well out of the realm of normalcy.

I’m not the type of person that can tolerate constant angry and controlling behavior. I can’t handle it, it stresses me out and causes me a great amount of anxiety. I prefer to enjoy my life rather than become angry myself and act out in mean and inappropriate ways. Doesn’t everyone? I’ve had very close relationships with my ex’s families. I still keep in touch with almost everyone and it’s very disappointing and shocking to me that this has turned out so badly.

M, I am requesting that you no longer make any contact with me whatsoever. We are asking that you no longer call our home. If you want to call your son, call him on his cell phone during the week. Also, he is going to turn his phone off while he’s at home or at least keep it on silent. We no longer want our home life disrupted. I’ve also agreed to this because, if you choose to upset him, I don’t want to see the pain in his face when he hangs up the phone. Please do not send me anything. If you send me anything in the mail it will be thrown away. You and your daughters will see our baby when you see G, and I suppose he will decide when and where. This is up to the four of you to work out.

I’m certain that you and G will be able to find a way to communicate again that will make you both happy.

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