marrying so close to crazy

03Aug10

**I originally posted this February 21 2010.

I started a post about my husband’s mother, the source of so much anxiety and depression for the whole world. But I don’t have it in me right now to tell my story.

A diagnosis by proxy is not a clinically valid diagnosis, but in the case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the person concerned rarely comes for counseling.

Yeah, try to get his mother into therapy. As my girlfriend says, “I’ve only read about people like her in books”. And that’s not me trying to be funny, it was a serious conversation. In my life, I’ve never met anyone like her either. It’s disturbing to know she’s free to think about me. Having her focus on me is emotionally damaging and I worry about her involvement with my daughter.

Actually, let me post a letter that I sent to my best friend:

Last night his sister sent an email saying that their mom was breaking out in hives and stuttering (the stupid nervous thing she does). And that she was convinced “G is in in trouble” and that I’m out to get her. How full of shit can a person be? Can you believe they fall for this type of manipulation? He just called her two days ago and she acted “mad”, mentioned the weather then got off the phone quickly with him. Sound like a woman who practically needs to be hospitalized??? Sound like a woman concerned that her son is in grave danger?? So, I had to put an end to it. I called her and said her family was seriously concerned that she was suffering from a nervous breakdown and worried unnecessarily that I was conspiring to steal her son and that he is in grave danger. She answered the phone, not a stutter in range, like everything was just fine saying, “well, are you ok, nothing is wrong here” … so I asked a series of questions which proved her guilt. I felt like asking if she thought I was a fucking idiot. I asked if we could stop this now, and she said about four times, “well, I need for you to talk to me sometimes” (or whatever her exact works were) and G almost busted out laughing … only a skilled narcissist can pull this sort of thing off … it’s almost impressive, the level of calculating, controlling behavior we’re dealing with. Impressive to see what she will do to get her hands on me. Stuttering and hives??? So I said, “if giving you what you want will help my husband sleep at night, I will talk to you for 5 minutes once every week or two. And please do not call me while G is at work because it’s uncomfortable. I also told her that in my opinion she’d been selfish and that the next time we ask for space it would be best to give it to us. I gave the phone to G and she acted mad with him again, said something about the weather AGAIN and hung up quickly. How can she keep track? Like, “I will get V on the phone by acting like a hurt, insane lunatic to my daughters, stutter and act overly concerned for my son’s well-being because I’m such an incredible mom … AND when V calls me, act totally lucid, AND remember to still act mad at G for pushing me away”? That’s a lot of shit to pull off at once. Fucking nut job. So I just had to write his sister back and make sure to explain that she didn’t get me to do anything by way of manipulation. Or that perhaps she did, but that I am very, very well aware of what she’s doing.

Getting me on the phone is just the beginning of the victory she’s looking for … she’s looking to get deep in my head. I was effective in not speaking to her for months after the control, passive aggressiveness and insults started. It was just the beginning for her, but I immediately cut her off, leaving her frothing at the mouth.

I gave birth to you so you must love me and give me attention. It’s gross. It’s my biggest trigger. And it’s the way I’ve always known I’d never raise my children- that they will never be responsible for making me happy and/or fulfilling my emptiness. They will not owe me anything because I love them. It’s interesting that I’ve always been so sensitive to how children are treated, especially in the emotionally abusive respect. My father is very much like her and, needless to say, I’ve not spoken to him in 10 years.

I really need some time alone but I can’t get it here. I would do anything to be able to come into the city and spend a night or two with you but I’m too freaking far away. It will be so wonderful to come back to the area. I’m going to say it that way .. that we will be coming back, period. Actually, I’d love to go to B’s and hang out for a few weeks. Then again, it really would be selfish of me, I think, to leave G at an emotionally raw time. I remember the first time I found out my family had some “issues” … it was a weird time.

Last night I had the first feelings ever while being with him of, “did I do the right thing”, “if I could go back would I have married into this?” How did I marry so close to Crazy? Can I do this for the rest of my life? Is it going to get better? I can’t believe I have to go through this transition with him. I can’t believe we are going to be in therapy because he needs to learn how to deal with his mom. What happened to my fairytale?? And the thoughts went on … until I fell asleep. It makes me very sad that something like this can affect a marriage so deeply. From what I’ve read, it certainly can … and it can easily end a marriage.

His sister said that he could have saved himself this stress if he’d had his mother spend more time with me and meet me more before getting married. As if he wouldn’t have married me if he found out I couldn’t stand his mother! Or, as she says, he should have found out if his mother approved first (because the story is on their end that she doesn’t like me – you know because I won’t talk to her five times a week!) and it would have saved him all this pain and suffering. She/they couldn’t care less that he’s the happiest he’s ever been in his life, but because his mother is unhappy, it’s a terrible match. It’s just unbelievable. It’s all about her and she makes sure to keep it that way.

I’m hoping that in a week or two things will feel back to normal with him. I just don’t see how it could get worse … I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she goes on a different medication that’s actually effective, or gets a frontal lobotomy.

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2 Responses to “marrying so close to crazy”

  1. ugh. this really struck a chord with me.
    my husbands mom is nuts too. we are convinced she has some type of personality disorder. but yeah, its not like we can get her to a therapist.
    among other things, shes incredibly selfish and manipulative. everything has to be about her. if there is no family drama going on, she’ll start some. my husband (and his brother)have stopped speaking to her. of course she blames this on me and the other wife because obviously nothing can ever be her fault. i get frustrated though because jays sister still communicates with her regularly, but then comes to us to complain about her. sometimes i just dont want to hear it anymore.
    i find it interesting that you dont speak to your dad. ive also cut certain relatives out of my life as well and its incredibly hard and painful. sometimes when i discuss things like this with other people they dont quite understand how hard it is to cut a parent out and decide not to speak to them. they think i should just try to make it work and they dont understand that sometimes being around these family members just isnt worth any support or love they could offer.
    its hard for me and jay because between the two of us, we were not dealt the best hand when it comes to familial support systems. we are trying to make this right as concerns our own kids.

    anyway….great post and beautifully written. 🙂

  2. Thank you!!! I love your comment, Tammi. I’m really so grateful that you are a dedicated blogger! You are the best. I’m going to post a lot more about this and incorporate my thoughts on your comment. I have much to much to write for it to fit in the comments section! 😉


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