my husband’s mother is a stalker

07Aug10

There has been a series of erratic and bizarre gift giving over the past year. I’ll add the email explaining the details of her “gifts” tomorrow.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

How do Narcissists use giving gifts in their quest for power?

A Narcissist will make strong attempts to control other’s views and behavior towards them. They also require excessive admiration and have an unusual sense of entitlement. A narcissist is envious of others but thinks others are envious of them. A Narcissist is famous for asking questions so they may use any information to find weakness or to use as gossip.

They will lie to their adult children and tell them that the act of giving is the only reward they seek. All the while they secretly yearn for reciprocity. They reject any attempts to rob them of their sacrificial status.

The Narcissist wants the receiver of their gift to think, “It means so much to them and they’ve put so much effort into it! I just couldn’t say no.” The narcissist yearns for the roles to be reversed and for the victim to fall into line. This way, everyone in the family can finally be happy. They will then stop demanding everyone feel sorry for them and angry at their victim.

As for their adult children whom they’ve turned into foot soldiers: Beware as they have been trained since childhood to be their enablers! They will call themselves, “close” or say they have a “special” bond with one another that no one else can understand.

Narcissists demand certain behavior from their adult children because they see their children as extensions of themselves. Narcissistic parents are intrusive and they punish their children if they do not meet their needs. Punishment includes anger, blame, and attempts to instill guilt, emotional withdrawal and criticism. They will “act mad” and/or use fear to demand love and attention. They’ll stop all communication, not return phone calls, etc. etc. Whatever the punishment, the purpose is to enforce compliance with the Narcissistic parent’s needs.

Narcissistic stalking: The
First Warning Signs

Unwanted contacts are the most common
elements of narcissistic stalking

The narcissist attempts to come across
as generous (gifts, flowers, etc.)

Phone messages, and persistent
attempts to engage the victim
in conversation

Narcissistic stalkers use the following ways to
establish contact with their victim:

– Guilt (“Why are you doing this to me, I just want
a relationship with you and I want to be close to
you? Why won’t you love me and let me love you?”)

– Using adult children or other family members
or friends to force victim
to fall in line

– Blackmail (attempts to turn husband/wife, friends and family
against victim)

– Unfounded accusations (“You are selfish and don’t care
about me.”)

Many stalkers believe that they are the
“true victims” and that they have been
mistreated, ignored, misled, or abandoned

Sense of entitlement (“you owe me…”)
Completely unable to cope with rejection

Dependent on others (their adult children)
for sense of “self”

Views his or her problems as the
victims fault

When behaviors are put together –
a pattern emerges
This pattern serves no other purpose
but to annoy, alarm, harass and
terrorize the victim

Manipulation

What the stalker lacks in social skills is
more than made up with their ability to
manipulate others

How to protect yourself from a narcissistic stalker

-Listen to your instincts

-At the first instance of discomfort, clearly
communicate an unwillingness for further
contact
-Don’t worry about “hurting the person’s
feelings”

-It is better to risk someone’s feelings now,
than be terrorized by that person in the
future.

-Remember, setting firm boundaries
with another’s intrusive behavior is
not rude

-Issue a no-contact statement to the
narcissistic stalker

-It is important that the stalker read or
hear on one occasion that you want no
further contact

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2 Responses to “my husband’s mother is a stalker”

  1. yep. my mother in law.

    shes always offering to buy the kids expensive toys. when she found out our house in florida was for sale she offered to go down there and check on it, maintain it, etc…(they only live about 4 hours away from gainesville) we always politely decline these types of things because we know its not worth it and will come with a hefty price to pay later on.

    the thing about adult children trained as foot soldiers could not be more spot on. jays sister and one of his brothers are very much in that type or relationship with their mother. its also very very co dependant. jays youngest brother is 42 years old and still lives at home.

    (im so glad youre writing about all of this. it feels good for me to talk about it. sometimes i feel shitty because jay and i have emotionally and now physically distanced ourselves from so much of our family and i wonder if im being a brat, or just being too hard on people. but talking to you about this makes me feel less alone and confirms to me that we’ve made the right decisions.)

  2. Hi Tammi

    I’ve always loved reading your comments. I’m really happy that I can do something to help you with your feelings surrounding J’s family. I know it’s helping me to hear from you. I’m going to keep doing the best I can to figure out these feelings of mine regarding the situation.. The whole experience has been traumatizing, to say the least.

    For me, my main issue is that I care very much about what people think of me. His family doesn’t like me because I will not engage in a very high maintenance, dysfunctional relationship with their mother. I made the decision to not have a relationship with their mother because his mother is emotionally needy, nothing will make her happy. She will always find something to complain about or talk behind my back about. I figured this out immediately about her and decided to cut off communication. I cut off communication because our quality of life would have suffered if I would have allowed her to insult, control and manipulate in order to get her emotional needs met.

    I’m still shocked that a person will violate another person’s space and boundaries without empathy. I’ve never experienced anybody like her. Especially after they’ve been asked to “PLEASE give my new wife some space”. But that’s what Narcissists do — whatever they want. When G asked her to give me space, it got worse. She enlisted her daughters and they all started to hunt me like a pack of rabid dogs.

    Tammi, I believe with all my heart that we have both made the right decision. Because we’ve decided to have different lives than our family of origin, it feels like we’re alone. But I’ve learned over the years that there are better fits. Real friends can very easily take the place of a good family. If family is abusive, there is no doubt we can allow other, more healthy, wonderful people into our lives that are interested in our best interests and will be better influences on our children.


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