how many days have i lost

19Oct09

His words were raining down on me, “you can do this, Sweetheart, it’s just the depression.  I will owe you everything, Victoria, if you go on- if you keep our baby, I know this is what you want, too, I know you want this, but you are so scared. You are just so scared.”

As his soft, deep voice fell over me I told myself that, tomorrow, I’d catch a flight to San Francisco. *My girlfriend, A, could meet me at the Dr’s office and I’d be in and out of there in time for a quiet dinner over a glass of wine and good conversation with my friend. I continued to circulate thoughts of my old life which I’d return to immediately, traveling and enjoying my quiet solitude and depressive moments by myself. I wouldn’t have to dump my “cerebral misfortune” on a tiny undeserving baby. It would just be Gordo and I forever. We could buy a little bungalow with a red door (maybe even a red tin roof) and live happily ever after.

G stayed by my side for hours today waiting until I finally started to pull out of myself. Getting to a place where I could think right-minded thoughts about the baby, the fear started to slowly lift and I looked up and him and wrapped my arms around his neck. We have a level 2 ultrasound tomorrow. Perhaps then I will finally be able to bond with this little coconut.

The fall weather was beautiful today. How many beautiful days have I lost?

*Um, keep in mind that my fantasy dinner with my best friend included nothing but freaking super fantastic, gorgeous food.
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