I was elated only momentarily it seems

15Oct09

After 4 weeks of pregnancy I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. God forbid anything be the least bit difficult in my life leaving me no choice but to whine. Ugh, the realization that I’d actually have to work at something so hard for the rest of my life. I’m going to be forced to push through the laziness, self pity, boredom, depression and moodiness. Thinking it is exhausting.

Though not necessarily positive, I’ve tried self talk. I’ve reminded myself how happy I should be, that I should be ashamed of myself for being a selfish, spoiled asshole. I’ve tried the “just be strong” method, which is the worst freaking approach ever. I’ve especially reminded myself about the boxes of ovulation predictor tests and general stick peeing I participated in preconception. I wanted this.

So far I have to say that, for me, ambivalence is the saddest part of it all.  One day being excited and the next  feeling trapped in the hell of pregnancy and looming parenthood. As if I’ve fallen in and can’t find my way out. I’ve had moments that I’ve prayed for a switch so that I could flip it and end this nightmare. I’ve secretly looked on Planned Parenthood’s website for abortion information. But, thinking crazy thoughts is much, much different from doing crazy things.

This truly is a polarized universe.  Beauty and misery all rolled into one big life changing event.

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